My Prison Without Bars by Pete Rose

Author:Pete Rose
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale
Published: 2012-05-14T04:00:00+00:00

9

THE LONG HOT SUMMER

“I realized that I saw everything in life as a challenge—a challenge I expected—no, had to win.”

—PETE ROSE

I got a kick-ass feeling from stepping onto the baseball field that I can’t even begin to describe. It had life and energy—like a pot of boiling water on the stove. It felt so good that I never wanted the game to end. During the summer of 1989, I rediscovered that misplaced feeling—my love for the game. From the time they threw out the first pitch until the last out, I forgot all about the chaos in my life. I forgot that I was involved in a fierce legal battle, a major publicity crisis, and a potential lifetime ban. I even forgot that I was spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on lawyers and investigators. Those 3 hours of baseball each day provided my only escape, my sanctuary from the pain and scrutiny. The TV cameras were still focused on my every move. But the reporters were no longer asking questions or making accusations. It was like they all disappeared. I knew in my heart that I was facing my last days. So I enjoyed the excitement of every game. I paid attention to all the little details—details I ignored for too long. The air smelled differently. So did the hot dogs and beer. Even the roar of the crowd took on a different meaning. When I shook an umpire’s hand, I looked him in the eye and listened to what he had to say. I grinned when I heard the “crack” of the bat or the “pop” of the glove. I winced when a hitter got fooled on a breaking ball for strike three. I even talked to a struggling pitcher differently. I wondered if maybe he still had a little something left in his arm before I yanked him off the mound. I treated every game as if it might be my last. I thought back to my days as that scrappy little kid who played baseball with his dad on hot summer days. The whole experience caused me to take a good hard look at my life. I got angry with myself for jeopardizing a career that I loved so much. Most folks know that I’m not a warm-and-fuzzy guy. I’m not “given to matters of introspection.” I fought my battles in the trenches, where sensitivity was a worthless human emotion. But my life was crashing down around me and it was time to face the demons. Of course, facing them privately was different from admitting to them publicly. I asked myself some serious questions, like: “What the hell was I thinking?” “How could I have let things get so out of control?” I lost my dignity, the respect of my peers, and I was on the verge of losing a million-dollar-a-year job—all because of gambling. I couldn’t believe that I had gotten myself into such a mess. It was like being in a bad dream. Hell,

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